Stir Crazy

*Image: http://www.vtwonen.nl/binnenkijken/bij-jou-thuis/rosalie-uit-geervliet-2/

When you've spent your life working your way into the fashion industry and then *BOOM* you're almost 32 and experiencing a delayed, drawn-out Saturn Returns.  This actually makes for quite the interesting life journey, however, it also feels like a huge roadblock that has no end in sight.  I am always one to accept and invite a challenge and welcome change, as I never want to be too settled or comfortable with anything in life.  I live a fairly basic life, but that doesn't mean it has to be boring either.  SO... where does this leave me rn?  It leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My ego says, Go back to fashion!  You're good at that, it's easy, it's comfortable... juuust do it already.  But, my brain is constantly fighting with my damn ego.  Do something significant.  Find something stable and secure.  Push yourself outside of your comfort zone.  YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!... and btw, you're never gonna meet a husband if you go back to fashion.  

So what does one do when they're on a journey of discovery?  How does one hone in on what they're meant to do in this lifetime?  How does one weed through the bullshit?

Since my 30th birthday, my life has turned into a series of questions.  The questions started out simple: what do I want to do for my dirty thirty?  As I tackled the surface questions, I began digging deeper and attempted to ask more substantial, meaningful questions: what am I searching for in life/love/work?  The questions never end.  And I'm not quite sure they're being answered (directly).  I guess the most important thing is that I'm putting the difficult questions "out there" in the universe so I can manifest something, anything from them.

What I have discovered, is that the questions I've been asking have unveiled things I DO NOT want or need in my life... which, I guess is productive.  The only problem I find is that I feel like that's a negative approach to attaining what it is I want out of life.  I feel like I need to re-evaluate these damn questions so I can come up with more positive results (ie YES that iiis what the fuck I want to do with my life!).

So basically, I've been seriously job hunting.  Like, job hunting is my job.  Liiike, if I could, I would put it down as my current job on my LinkedIn profile.  Exciting.  But it's difficult, extremely difficult.  I find myself zoning out whilst searching position after position via Ineed.com, LinkedIn, the Internet, the Dark Net (no jk jk, but really, I'll probably, eventually end up on the Dark Net if I stay at this whole job hunting shit too long).  I lose focus and begin shooting off my resume and cover letter to company after company just because I'm in the zone.  The discipline and structure are lost.  I am lost.  I hope you're lost too.

My savior at this juncture in my life, is my spreadsheet for this thrilling job search.  Before I started going stir crazy, I created a detailed Excel spreadsheet to track my progress.  It's also helped me maintain and practice my mad Excel skills (in addition to creating badass spreadsheets for an upcoming bachelorette weekend that I spend far too much time playing with).  So there's my silver lining!  Oh boy am I relieved, I can sleep sound tonight!  But no, really, that is a very small positive aspect of this whole gosh darn job search.  You must be willing to find the positive in everything you experience.  For me, the positive in this whole situation is the fact that I have had a voice for myself and I have made difficult decisions that I know are on their way to leading me to great, great things.